Jim “Jones” Lyons and Geoff “DoorDash” Diehl, two of the biggest losers ever in Massachusetts politics, are on the road this week, begging for another couple of years to keep wrecking the state GOP.
You’ve heard of Victory Tours? This is the Crazy Tour. Lyons and Diehl have almost singlehandedly destroyed the state Republican party, and now they want to finish the job once and for all.
They are out of their bleeping minds. And they’re posting their unhinged rants every night on YouTube.
Lyons, who is both a former Democrat and a crazed Ted Cruz fanatic, is seeking another term as chairman of the MA GOP on Jan. 31. Since he was first elected in 2019, this is Lyons’ record in elections:
In November, the GOP candidates for all statewide constitutional office were crushed. Lyons couldn’t even find a sacrificial lamb to run for treasurer.
Under Lyons, the GOP has lost three of its five sheriffs and one of its two district attorneys. In the Legislature, the GOP has gone from 38 of 200 seats to 28. In special legislative elections since 2019, Lyons is 0-6. In Congressional elections, his record is a dismal 0-18.
In 2022, Lyons lost both referendum questions the party could have won – the graduated income tax and drivers’ licenses for illegals. Lyons also tried and failed to get enough signatures to get four other questions onto the ballot.
In other words, Jim Jones Lyons has a perfect track record. For Democrats, that is.
So now Lyons and his hapless sidekick Diehl are traveling around the state, seeking… I’m not sure what exactly, because the election for chairman is limited to the 74 or so current members of the GOP committee.
Most chairmen of both parties spend their time trying to win elections. Jim Jones Lyons can’t be bothered with elections. He’s more concerned about lawsuits – against his fellow Republicans.
So now, on Lyons’ Crazy Tour, his only real promise is that if he wins another term, he will file yet another lawsuit – against Republicans, of course.
He begs the local shut-ins who turn out for the Crazy Tour to sign up as plaintiffs for his next complaint. He dangles the prospect of big-money damages in front of his destitute disciples.
Forget all those lost elections. This time, Lyons assures his gullible marks, he will finally prevail against certain parties, both known and unknown to the grand jury.
“Those people took our money and wasted it!” he thundered in Carlisle, of all places, pointing into the sparse crowd of geriatric shut-ins. “We – you! – you! – you! – and everyone in this room are entitled to damages and I am going to fight like hell to get you what you deserve. That’s what I’m gonna do!”
He sounds like Reverend Ike in his prime — “Don’t wait for pie in the sky bye and bye when you die. Get yours now, with ice cream on top!”
As party chairman, Lyons has yet to win his first election for dogcatcher, or anything else. But by God, he’ll get reparations of all his toothless acolytes.
Last week on the Crazy Tour, Lyons was promising to grab $4 million in damages. Monday night, in Hanson, he upped the jackpot to $5 million.
“Can I count on you to join our lawsuit?” he yelled, like a dollar-a-holler radio preacher. “How many people will help with this lawsuit against these people?”
Despite his political proselytizing, Lyons goes R-rated when he tries to close the deal. It’s boob bait for the Bubbas.
“We can no longer say hey thanks for sticking it up our (expletive)!”
Occasionally, Lyons is asked why he’s only recently started talking about this MegaMillions payout for his loser fans, who might be getting a little antsy over the GOP’s four-year losing streak.
“Why didn’t I tell us sooner?” he said in response to a question. “Because I didn’t know. I didn’t get the documents. The documents are what proves what happened. I didn’t know! I wish I could have. How’s that?”
Like most snake-oil salesmen, Jim Lyons cautions that his Republican reparations Rapture may not occur immediately.
“I don’t want you to think this is gonna happen anytime soon,” he said in Hanson. “We’re 2 1/2 years away from any justice.”
But how far away are Republicans from winning an election, Jim? Any election?
Warming up the crowd every evening (the road show hits Haverhill tonight) is Geoff Diehl, four-time loser. If you’re unsure exactly how many times DoorDash has been beaten like a rented mule, don’t worry, he’ll tell you.
“Yeah, Geoff Diehl can’t win races,” he whined Monday night. “He can’t win for state Senate, he can’t win for US Senate, he can’t win for governor. Yeah, if everyone’s stabbing me in the back in my party it’s hard to win.”
Apparently DoorDash didn’t get the memo: Self-pity is not good box office.
Diehl goes off on odd tangents. Talking about ex-Rep. Shawn Dooley, he mentioned how the Norfolk Republican “had a picture with Maura Healey with his head on her head as if they’re lovers for God’s sake.”
Then he stared into the camera (for they are indeed videotaping themselves and then posting it on social media) and said:
“Shawn Dooley, if you’re watching, Shawn, thanks so much for all the support!”
DoorDash got even weirder Monday night in Hanson. He said he’d lost a $10,000 contribution because one of his foes (a Republican, naturally) falsely accused Diehl of sleeping with his daughter’s – well, you can watch it for yourself on YouTube.
My favorite sound cut from Monday night in Hanson comes at 2:06, when Jim Jones Lyons says:
“There is something drastically wrong with the Republican Party in Massachusetts.”
Indeed. And you and DoorDash Diehl are Exhibits 1 and 2.
The Crazy Tour will continue through Monday, with a farewell performance in Milford. Be there or be square. Sign up as a plaintiff in Jim’s latest lawsuit.
By then, the promised payoff may be up to $10 million. Lyons et al. can’t win an election to save their lives, but living well is the best revenge.
Get yours now with ice cream on top!