July 18, 2022. In an appalling display of American emasculation, President Joe Biden eased his Trek FX 1 Disc to a stop before a crowd of cheering morons and attempted to dismount. The rest is infamy.
No man in the history of aviator sunglasses has ever looked less cool while wearing them than Biden did that fateful day. The bike helmet and tactical cycling gloves didn’t help. Neither did getting his foot caught in the stupid pedal thing and eating shit on Delaware asphalt in a twisted pile of gears and spokes and wrinkled leg skin.
The Trek FX 1 Disc did the American people a great service by exposing the president as a crotchless weakling slouching toward the grave. It was, in our humble estimation, an act of valor no less potent and enduring than the patriotic self-defense of Lexington and Concord some two-and-a-half centuries ago as the full meaty thrust of Revolution came bursting into the ether.
It’s a miracle he didn’t die. Falls are the leading cause of injury-related death among Americans aged 65 and up. Biden just turned 80. Kamala Harris is vice president. (We’re so f—ed.) Perhaps the Trek FX 1 Disc was imploring us to behold the doddering geezer’s imminent mortality and feel sorry. Not for Biden, obviously, but for ourselves.
This is the United States of America, for crying out loud, and we deserve better than a goo-brained commander in chief who humiliates his country on a daily basis. Our “elected” “leader” is falling off bicycles and shaking hands with ghosts while actual strongmen like MBS do gangster shit like bombing Yemen and luring a journalist abroad to murder and dismember him with zero repercussions.
Make no mistake. The Washington Free Beacon considers cycling to be an anti-social abomination perpetrated by soulless freaks who in a perfect world would hang from the gallows in their fancy leotards. We did not arrive at this decision lightly or in haste. We deliberated thoughtfully and impactfully for hours, holding hands in a circle of inclusion as we spoke our truths and excavated our emotions.
Ultimately we felt a simple child’s toy could not be held responsible for the actions of so-called adults. It would be like blaming the crack pipe for Sleepy Joe’s sadistic refusal to acknowledge Navy Joan Roberts, the innocent child Hunter Biden fathered with a stripper named “Dallas” during one of his smoke-and-poke extravaganzas funded by his father’s name and the foreign crimelords who noticed it.
For its noble service to our once great nation and for putting President Brandon on his bony ass where he belongs, the Washington Free Beacon is honored to recognize the Trek FX 1 Disc as a 2022 Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.